The Slow Burn

I. Am. 50.  Fifty.  That’s a lot of living.  I’ve worked, I traveled (a little), I’ve gotten married, I’ve had two kids, I’ve buried more family that I would’ve like.  I learned a lot about people and life.  Half a century is a long time.

Experience the slow burn of perimenopause!

As a woman of a certain age, I am experiencing some big changes in my body.  Actually, it started several years ago.  Hot flashes.  Oy!  My periods were few and far between.  My mood could be frightening.  At one point my husband solemnly asked me, “Is our marriage ok?”  I was shocked.  Yes, yes, yes!  I love you.  What’s wrong.  Apparently, my moodiness was more than just moodiness.  I’d become a psychotic monster.  Some days I raged uncontrollably, wreaking havoc on all in my path.  And did I mention the hot flashes?!?

Well, just like puberty, there’s a lot going on at perimenopause. Perimenopause is when your ovaries begin to slow down.  They produce less estrogen and eventually stops releasing eggs, as your reproductive system winds to a halt.  Well, that all sounds fine on paper, but let me tell you estrogen is a real life-force.  Dropping estrogen levels causes a myriad of symptoms, i.e. hot flashes, irregular periods, osteoporosis and moodiness.  The fluctuating hormone levels cause PMS like symptoms and behaviors, but it’s not limited to a few days each month.  It’s your new normal.  Delightful!

Now, everyone knows about the hot flashes and moodiness, but that’s really just the tip of the iceberg.  The changes caused by decreasing hormone levels range from fatigue, insomnia, dizziness, weight gain, dry sky and itchiness (this extends to your lady parts too), headaches and muscle pain to anxiety and depression.  Estrogen is to your body what gluten is to delicious food.  Really important!

And did I mention this goes on for several years, typically 3-4 years.  You ease out of a functioning reproductive system.  Sort of an estrogen taper.  Furthermore, my symptoms were exacerbated by my daughter’s burgeoning cycle.  As a matter of fact, I had reached menopause – one year without a period – when my daughter got her first period.  It triggered me.  I started spotting.  Really?!  I had to wait another full year to reach my goal of full menopause.  Plus, if you bleed after 1+ years without a period you need to get “checked” (read transvaginal ultrasound).  Fantastic.

As I mentioned, my goal was menopause.  Yea!!  No more hot flashes, no more moodiness, no more insomnia!  And, of course, no more period.  Life is beautiful.  Guess again!  Physical changes caused by reduced estrogen continue because your new normal is low estrogen.  I expected the crepey skin.  I remember my Mom talking about her hands getting crepey.  I knew it was coming.  It was hard to accept, but what choice do I have?  But then my hair started thinning.  I’m not an attractive woman.  

I love my fans!!

Plain, ordinary.  But I have beautiful hair, my crowning glory.  Chestnut and full of curls.  I used to work with a woman who called it princess hair.  Silly perhaps, but I secretly loved it.  I love my curls.  Now my hair is thinning. Fading away.  Did I mention the gray?  I have a streak, like Cruella DeVil.

 Oh, and I still get hot.  Hot!  I have fans in every room in my house, in addition to the air conditioning.  My family loves it when they’re cold.   I still get insomnia.  I still have muscle pain.  I’m still irritable (above my baseline).  I’m still triggered by my daughter.  Her period brings hot flashes and insomnia.  Really?

Although I’ve struggled with the loss of my fertility, I’ve also welcomed my cronage.  I’ve been maiden, I’m mother and now crone.  I find great comfort in traveling this chapter, the reaping of my life.  I’ve entered an age of comfort with my self, my life and my body.  Things really do improve with age (I’m not just saying that because I’m old).  I’ve seen some things – good, bad and indifferent.  My view of the world and of people has become more forgiving.  My view of myself is more forgiving. 

I. Am. 50.

Perimenopause and menopause bring on so many changes in your body, visible and invisible.  Now is a good time to establish and maintain a good relationship with your gynecologist, as well as your internist.  There are many fine resources online to help you through your transition.  Just remember, this is a natural process.  It happens to all women.  Acceptance eases the process.  A good starting place is 34 Menopause Symptoms